I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
