I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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