There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
