Yo dont text me then not text me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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