He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
