I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
