my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
