WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
