there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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