covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
