why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
