Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
