having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize