How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
