I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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