I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
