awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
