So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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