cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
