Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
