You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
