so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize