nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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