i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she told me i tasted like america
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
