mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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