i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
