remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
