maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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