i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
