got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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