ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
