Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
