Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
