someone owes me an orgasm
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
