I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
