My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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