u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
