He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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