I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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