Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
