So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize