Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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