My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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