I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
