if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
