phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
