dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
