I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think I just sharted jello shots
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
