you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
