Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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