There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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