Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
