If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
