I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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