i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
