Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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