Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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