She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
